we try to relax in the places of ghosts; we superimpose, we lean back

a_renunciation @ 2009-12-27T15:06:00

2009-12-27T23:06:58Z

a_renunciation @ 2009-12-18T15:46:00

2009-12-18T23:46:27Z

Finished the semester today, will probably leave for Clearlake tomorrow morning. Maybe the day after.

New mix:

http://8tracks.com/theairinthebranches/trouble

a_renunciation @ 2009-12-11T20:46:00

2009-12-12T04:46:06Z

This video's been on my mind for a few days. I've always identified strongly with transvestites (good, passing ones) for some reason... I guess it has something to do with pretense, conspicuous sexuality and a dark excess of femininity.

a_renunciation @ 2009-12-07T17:55:00

2009-12-08T01:54:20Z

a_renunciation @ 2009-12-02T17:41:00

2009-12-03T01:41:21Z

I've been feeling proper poorly for the last 24 hours. I think it could be the H1N1 virus (I wouldn't say so lightly - I hate hyped up epidemics) which has been rampant at my campus. Terrible timing what with final exams, scheduled presentations, term papers and all coming up next week. I hope it clears up by then, even though by that time I should have gotten a ton of work done which means I might have to work through the sickness. Lame.

I caught my landlord's cat torturing a mouse to near-death today in the yard. I know it's a natural instinct and everything, but I can't stand that shit. I chased off the cat and scooped up the shivering, limping creature with a walnut tree leaf and put it in an emptied bulk Sunchips box with some dried tufts of usnea lichen, paper towels, a little dish of water and some dried banana chips covered in a gob of peanut butter. Now the box is on a chair next to my floor heater, and I keep checking in on its contents. The poor thing might have a broken leg, and a chunk of fur and skin is missing from its head, but other than that it seems like it isn't suffering. I think I saw it nibbling at the peanut butter, though it might've just been sniffing it. I guess I'll let it recuperate for a few days before releasing it, if it survives. Hopefully it won't get loose and start living in my bedroom like the last mouse I rescued.

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-28T12:47:00

2009-11-28T20:47:52Z

"Shamanic ecstasy is the real 'Old Time Religion,' of which modern churches are but pallid evocations. Shamanic, visionary ecstasy, the mysterium tremendum, the unio mystica, the eternally delightful experience of the universe as energy, is a sine qua non of religion, it is what religion is for! There is no need for faith, it is the ecstatic experience itself that gives one faith in the intrinsic unity and integrity of the universe, in ourselves as integral parts of the whole; that reveals to us the sublime majesty of our universe, and the fluctuant, scintillant, alchemical miracle that is quotidian consciousness ('Shamanism')."

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-26T17:26:00

2009-11-27T01:26:21Z

http://8tracks.com/theairinthebranches/some-kind-of-love

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-26T08:53:00

2009-11-26T16:53:00Z

I was crouched down collecting little rose quartz stones from rock beds that were full of polished and unpolished gemstones, all mixed together but divided into sections by stained wooden boards. I was slowly working my way uphill. You saw what I was doing and went up ahead of me a few feet and I could see that you were gathering the rose quartz, too. This made me furious. You had collected a good handful and then found a great big chunk of it; at the same time, I found a great big chunk of it. I got angry and confronted you, asked you what you were doing. You hid your bag of stones behind your back clumsily, as if joking, half-wanting me to see that you were doing the same thing. I reached behind you and grabbed it, looked at you with rage- you were indignant. I took your stones and ran to the dock of the lake below, you followed. I told you that you can't collect beauty, that you were wasting your time trying to hold on to it. You tried to take the stones from me and I threw them into the water, we watched them sink. You said you'd throw mine in, then. I didn't care; I threw them in myself, a little sorry to see them go, but it was more important to prove my point: that they were only a passing curiosity for me, that I couldn't keep beauty, either, and knew it whereas you still clung to it and pined for it. You thought about jumping in after your stones. It's too late, I told you. We saw a pale female body drifting toward us from the depths. I said that it was my body, and that it was too late for you to save me, too.

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-25T20:54:00

2009-11-26T04:54:13Z

There was an Old Man of Hong Kong,
Who never did anything wrong;
He lay on his back,
With his head in a sack,
That innocuous Old Man of Hong Kong.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on his chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-22T19:06:00

2009-11-23T03:06:51Z

"Can mercy be found in the heart of her who was born of the stone? [a reference to Kali as the daughter of Himalaya]
Were she not merciless, would she kick the breast of her lord?
Men call you merciful, but there is no trace of mercy in you, Mother.
You have cut off the heads of the children of others, and these you wear as a garland around your neck.
It matters not how much I call you "Mother, Mother." You hear me, but you will not listen.

To be a child of Kali, Ramprasad asserts, is to be denied of earthly delights and pleasures. Kali is said to not give what is expected. To the devotee, it is perhaps her very refusal to do so that enables her devotees to reflect on dimensions of themselves and of reality that go beyond the material world."

I cannot believe I have become bad for you

2009-11-20T06:25:38Z

And I say, "oh, you beauty--no I cannot bear you; I half-wish to tend to you, I half-wanna tear you--no no no no no no I don't mean I want to hurt you...
I just want to love you all the way"

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-14T17:31:00

2009-11-15T01:31:43Z

I want to recommend this film (The Bow) by Ki-duk Kim, who's recently become one of my top 10 favorite directors. Each film of his that I watch gets better than the last, and I just finished sobbing through the end of this one. I gave it 5 stars on netflix (I don't give such high ratings that often). It's about a girl who'd been raised alone at sea for 10 years with the now 60 year-old fisherman who found her, and how his patient plans to marry her are complicated when a young fisherman and his father dock on his barge during one of the overnight fishing excursions that the man hosts to earn a living. What results is a decay of ritual as morality is questioned and the line between romantic and paternal love is blurred. Definitely worth your time.

"Love That Wastes Our Little Schoolgirl's Time"

2009-11-13T04:04:46Z

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-11T10:11:00

2009-11-11T18:19:08Z

There's always a pool of blood somewhere that we're walking in without knowing it. [...] It's your blood that feeds the earth. It's you who fatten the servants of lies.

--Jean-Marie Straub

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-10T20:16:00

2009-11-11T04:18:19Z

http://8tracks.com/theairinthebranches/her-high-lonely-mysteries

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-06T22:01:00

2009-11-07T06:04:11Z

I was a log in the waves last time you saw me;
end over end I was thrown while I endlessly groaned,
"Hold my hand--won't someone come surf me?"
and of course no one came.
You stood and watched the wash of water edge me hopelessly into the seawall,
and there I stayed, and quickly decayed, and we all swapped molecules.
Now with a wave of my hand I command you to see me:
I'm more like a mountain this time, unmoving alpine decked in fog and concealed in snow clouds-
you're the farmer below
and if you see my face once then through 12 cloudy months you will know that I'm there behind curtains;
you'll know mountain light through thickness of night
see me

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-03T13:12:00

2009-11-03T21:16:37Z

"This mess of psyche is what puer [soul] consciousness needs to marry so as to undertake the 'battle of the sexes.' The opponents of the spirit are first of all the hassles under its own skin: the morning moods, the symptoms, the prevarications in which it gets entangled, and the vanity. The puer needs to battle the irritability of this inner 'woman,' her passive laziness, her fancies for sweets and flatteries--all that which analysis calls autoeroticism. This fighting is a fighting with, rather than a fighting off or fighting against, the anima, a close, tense, devoted embracing in many positions of intercourse, where puer madness is met with psychic confusion and deviation, and where this madness is reflected in that distorted mirror. It is not straight and not clear. We do not even know what weapons to use or where the enemy is, since the enemy seems to be my own soul and heart and most dear passions. The puer is left only with his craziness, which, through the battle, he has resort to so often that he learns to care for it as precious, as the one thing he truly is, his uniqueness and limitation. Reflection in the mirror of the soul lets one see the madness of one's spiritual drive, and the importance of this madness."
-Salt of Soul, Sulfur of Spirit

a_renunciation @ 2009-11-01T20:44:00

2009-11-02T04:46:18Z

http://8tracks.com/theairinthebranches/there-is-no-great-dark-man

heartbeats

2009-10-27T18:36:02Z

Phillihp is losing his hearing, but the vet says he's in otherwise great shape. At first I was sad, thinking I couldn't talk to him like I used to (if he can't even hear me), but now I just hold him close when I want to tell him how much I love him and he feels the vibrations and responds just as always, making sweet noises back at me.

oblique strategies

2009-10-23T03:19:02Z

Listen in total darkness, or in a very large room, very quietly

Go to an extreme, move back to a more comfortable place

Don't be afraid of things because they're easy to do

Define an area as 'safe' and use it as an anchor

Remove ambiguities and convert to specifics

Remove specifics and convert to ambiguities

Don't stress one thing more than another

Honor thy error as a hidden intention

Repetition is a form of change

Listen to the quiet voice

Disconnect from desire

Mute and continue

this house is [still] haunted

2009-10-19T05:00:33Z

a_renunciation @ 2009-10-17T11:47:00

2009-10-17T18:48:18Z

Ann, Ann! Come quick as you can!
There's a fish that talks in the frying pan!
Out of the fat, as clear as glass,
He put up his mouth and moaned, "Alas!"
Oh, most mournful 'Alas, alack!'
Then turned to his sizzling, and sank him back.

your little dark house

2009-10-17T07:04:37Z

a mix about perigean spring tides and emotional lability:

http://8tracks.com/theairinthebranches/your-wanton-ways

everything is inverted oscillations, water flowing upstream, little lightning storms and dishes intentionally smashed on the floor

a_renunciation @ 2009-10-15T22:11:00

2009-10-16T05:24:10Z

What is this?

Again: telling myself (unconvincingly) that it's not "him" I miss, but an idea of him that never existed. Wanting new love, having an opportunity for New Love presented to me all wrapped up with my name on it and ready for the taking -- scorning New Love because I've none left to give, emptied of it now having spent it all pining over Old Love.
A year and 6 months this Sunday on the black moon. I stopped counting until a couple days ago, when the rains came and stirred everything up again.

just because it's real don't mean it's gonna work

2009-10-13T20:00:50Z